One Month Our Angel

Yesterday, we celebrated this sweet girl being one month old… Be still my heart. Her beauty is captivating.

Lexi Rae turns 1 month old!

And today, we remember one month without her other half…

Missing sister.

Tonight, I sit in my girls’ nursery alone, trying to think of the words to share here. There are so many things I could say. Sometimes I think people might get tired of me talking about losing our daughter. But then I remember…no one has to read these words. They are for her.

Most days, I still don’t know exactly how to feel. Alexis brings new adventure to my life daily. She is teaching me love and patience and grace in ways I’ve never known before.

But my Emmy…my sweet Emmy. Her absence brings an emptiness that words cannot explain. I honestly don’t think anyone can empathize with a parent who has lost a child…except another parent who has been in their shoes. Sympathize, yes…but not understand. The pain is real and raw and always present. Even on the best days.

I could write forever about this. The things I still don’t understand…the things I wish other people understood about who I am because of and in spite of this. The conflicting feelings always at play in my heart and in my head. But instead of more words, I want to share something even more powerful.

These images, taken by our friend Christy Lee of Cee Lee Photography through her affiliation with the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization, capture every emotion of the night our baby became an angel. They show the beauty and innocence of our sweet girls, the incredible love and strength of our family and the heartbreak of losing one of life’s most precious gifts. And they show all of these things in a way words cannot.

For the longest time, I did not want to share these moments with the world. They are intimate and precious and they are ours. But I started this blog to share our journey with you. We invited you in, and it has been and incredible blessing. Thank you all for being a blessing to our family. The support of our friends, love of our family and faith in God have helped us through the past month, and will continue to help us heal and grow through time. With His Grace, we will find our way.

Baby girl….I cannot wait to hold you again. Wait for me to come Home.

11 thoughts on “One Month Our Angel

  1. Jen, keep writing. You do whatever eases your pain. Emmy will always be with you and so will your family and friends. Lean on us when you need to for we all want to help but truly no one ever knows the pain someone else is struggling with. Keep your faith. Ms. A

    Like

  2. Though I have never been in your shoes, I’ve been close enough to have a taste of your pain. It’s been a year since my husband’s aunt lost her triplets and I still struggle with it. I cried myself to sleep on Christmas Eve and Mothers Day because they weren’t here, and they were supposed to be. I get angry with God for taking them away from us. Then I feel guilty for wishing them out of heaven, just because I don’t want to wait to see them again.
    The only reason I’m sharing this is so that you will know that you and Kade aren’t grieving alone. I guarantee that Emmy’s aunts, uncles and cousins are hurting too. In a few months when it seems like they’re “over it,” remember that they really aren’t. They might not tell you, because they don’t want to make your pain worse, but in quiet moments alone they let it out and it hurts.
    I know this road feels very lonely, but know that you aren’t the only ones who miss your sweet Emmy.

    Like

    • Thank you so much for this, Celeste. These are things both Kade and I need to hear (and remember often). Sometimes it really does feel so lonely. Even Kade and I can’t fully understand how the other one is feeling/grieving because it is such a personal journey to healing. One thing you said really struck a chord…“In a few months when it seems like they’re “over it,” remember that they really aren’t.” Those thoughts already creep into my mind. It was such a difficult few days surrounding Emmy’s death, and everyone grieved openly. But then, it began to feel like everyone very quickly picked up and moved on with life and I found myself wondering if they’d already forgotten. I know my struggle because I live it everyday. But it is easy to forget that I am not the only one in pain. So…thank you…for reminding me I am not alone and there are so many other people who love Emmy, miss her and hurt in her absence.

      Like

  3. Jen…

    What a fabulous gift you have shared with everyone on earth who has intersected your family’s lives and in heaven. Mothers unite in a circle of strength around you!

    ~Shelly

    Like

    • Thank you Shelly, I have felt so loved through the process of sharing our story. People I have known my whole life and people I hardly know at all have brought me comfort through reaching out and offering their love!

      Like

  4. Thank you for sharing! You are beautiful writer and I hope you find strength in just simply telling your story. If it comforts you…keep doing it! You will forever have a very special & precious guardian angel to fly high and be in your heart.

    “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” -Psalm 147:3

    God Bless!

    Like

  5. Both of your girls are so beautiful. The pictures are amazingly beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. I am so very sorry you lost your beautiful Emmy. God bless your whole family and your beautiful angel.

    Like

    • Thank you so much for your sweet words Brittany! We miss our angel Emmy every day, but feel so blessed for the short time we got to love on her. She was a beautiful soul and changed our lives forever!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s