Dear Emmy…

Last night, I sat in the nursery rocking chair by myself and let the tears roll off my cheeks. I ached for you as much as I ever have. I longed to kiss your sweet face, tickle your little toes and see your tiny hand wrap around my finger. There are just some days that your absence is so overwhelming.

There was a reason for last night’s pain. You see, today we set off on our first trip back to Kansas with your sister. Her very first airplane ride! I have been anxious about it all week. But as I eagerly planned and prepared for this trip, I couldn’t help but think…I should be packing for four. We should have needed twice as many diapers, bottles, binkies and bows. Daddy and I should have been working out the logistics of getting two babies and twice as many bags through airport security. Nana and Papa should have needed two carseats in the suburban to pick us up. But all of these things…they’re not happening.

The Kansas Flint Hills. They always call me home.

The Kansas Flint Hills. They always call me home.

Today should be your first trip to Papa’s Cabin. The cabin where we have all of our family holidays and everyone stays for K-State football weekends. The cabin where Papa would take you on rides in the ranger and fishing at the pond. The cabin where you would grow up playing princess with your cousins in the “castle” under the stairs. The cabin where Nana would make homemade ice cream and let you lick the spatula right out of the tub. The cabin…where our best family memories are made.

But sweet Emmy, you will never get to do those things. I will never get to watch you do those things. And right or wrong…today I feel like I have been robbed of those memories with you.

I suppose I should have anticipated these feelings to accompany this trip. Every new adventure, every little milestone…all of these things we are getting to experience with Lexi…they will always be so bitter-sweet. There will forever be a piece of our little family missing.

I know you will be with us in spirit, sweet girl. I pray that you know I miss you deeply, love you fiercely and think of you every day of my life. You are the angel I never expected to have, and never knew I needed. Meet us in Kansas sweet babe…you will love it there.

Miss you most,

Your Mama

One thought on “Dear Emmy…

  1. I think of you so often, Jenni. Don’t beat yourself up so. I think you are doing great. What you have and had are very special. I enjoy your writings. Hang in there. Ms. A


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