It is our first holiday season without you. Honestly, I have been dreading this Christmas for months. Seven months, to be exact. Every day without you is hard. But Christmas…it will never be quite the same.
This time last year, we were eagerly announcing to our friends and family (and really anyone who would listen) the biggest news of our lives…
In fact… exactly one year ago today, I got the phone call from our doctor’s nurse. With five little words, she changed my life forever – “You’re having two little girls!” I was as certain as the sky was blue that I was going to be a “boy mom” – so that sentence was a game changer. I could almost feel God laughing.
Last Christmas, I was full of hope and joy and dreams for the two tiny humans growing inside of me. I could not wait to see the life God had planned for you unfold.
But this year, sweet girl… this year is different. I am still hopeful, and joyful and I often dream of the future. But it looks different now. And my heart looks different… because there is a piece of it missing. With the hope, there is heartache; and alongside the joy lives pain. And even in a house full of people I love, I can be overwhelmed by solitude. Because without you, I will never quite be the person I once was.
Your daddy is my rock – steady and strong. Your sister is my light – shining even on the darkest days. Her smile lights up our whole world, as I’m sure yours does heaven. One day, I will get to see that smile.
I am really just writing to remind you… in case you’ve forgotten… you are missed. Every second of every day… in the special moments, and in the mundane. And even though you will never be here to unwrap gifts on Christmas morning, you will always very much be a part of our holiday celebrations. Because of the baby that was born in a manger and carried our sins to the cross, I am assured that one day I will get to hold my own baby again. For me, that brings Christmas Day, and every day, more meaning than I had ever known.
Merry Christmas, sweet girl. Lucky you, getting to spend it with the very one whom the celebration is for.
Miss you most,