Your Old Flannel Shirt

I’m all wrapped up in your old flannel shirt. Our very first fire is burning. My baby is fast asleep in the same house my own mama once laid her head. Without you, none of this would even be possible. I am so, so grateful. But I would give it all up in a heartbeat to have you back.

This first year without you has been full of heartaches and happiness both that threatened the essence of my heart. Miss you, Papa Pat. And by the way, you’ve got a fly on your nose.

Closing Day

Today was a big day. We went in as a family to finally close on the #familyfarmsteadfixerupper!! Even though we technically purchased the farm from my parents back in July, with a purchase + renovation we actually had two “closings” – so twice the fun (said no one ever).

closing-day

Renovations are complete (photos coming soon) and furniture is being delivered next week. We are feeling overwhelmingly grateful and beyond blessed for this opportunity. To live our lives and raise our babies on my grandpa’s farmstead…it’s what dreams are made of. We still have a lot of work ahead of us, but we could not be more excited to take it on. Much love to our family and friends who have helped us in so many ways throughout this process. We couldn’t have done it without you. Here’s to planting roots and new beginnings in 2017!!

With Grace,

The Hummels

Dear Emmy…

This weekend, we will officially be moving into the house on your great-gradfather’s farmstead. After moving back to Kansas over a year ago, we will finally be home.

Today, while I was alone at the house, I stood in the kitchen looking out into our living room and just soaked in the stillness. the silence. the solitude. Because I knew that in just a few days, that space will be filled. It will be filled with family, with furniture and with love.

livingroom

There in the stillness, you found me – like you always do. I caught a glimpse of your bench out the big picture window, and I knew you were calling to me.

As I walked toward the place that we call yours, the brisk wind cut through my flannel shirt and pierced my skin. It was the bitter kind of cold. But I hardley even notice as I knelt by your bench, traced my fingers across your little feet etched in stone and let the sadness soak in.

bench

These momentous and joy-filled life events will always, always be permeated by pain. I could not be more excited for the life that lies ahead for our family on that farm. But your absence is so much more than physical. It has left a void in my heart and an ache in my soul for which there is no remedy. And as I watch your sister grow-up – in that house, in those barns and on that land – I will look to the heavens wishing you were right there beside her.

With tear-stained cheeks, I told you how much I love you. How much I miss you. And for a brief moment, I let myself be angry with God for taking you from me. But in that same instant, I heard these words that were shared at your memorial echo through my soul:

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul

This grief is a constant journey, little one. Thank you for walking through it with me.

Miss you most,

Mama